At Home

more and more at home 
he is 
entering with glad assurance 
no longer knocking 
wondering if I will see him as 
interruption 
intrusion 
guest 
who puts me on my toes
my best behavior 
politeness
with an edge of tension
whisking litter out of sight
swabbing the sink
shutting a bedroom door
mess
out of sight
out of mind?


I used to make sure
I paid attention
at the right times
served tea
observed the niceties
we were friends
but hardly intimate
coworkers
but with schedules
daytimers and appointments
lists


he was in
but not all the way


then came pain
and long confusion
followed by bleeding
distress
hurt
and
(open as never before)
I threw myself at him
no more appointments
just whenever
need grabbed my heart
and tears could not be dammed
I needed him
and every time I looked
he was still there
in my home
waiting in the chair
or walking by me
in the hall
or by my bed at night


and I forgot to shut the doors
(he knew anyway)
and I messed up on the tea
so he served me
and starting out the day
we reserved 
time for us
because it's precious
not because we "should"
shut the outer door
sit close and talk
listen
and be held


we are at home
it happened
when I opened up
in desperation
yes
and threw out protocol


and now
the thought of being home
with him
turns on the lamps
and stokes the fire
my heart burns warm
and I run fearlessly
to sit by him
assured of his glad welcome
delight
leaping into his eyes
to have me seek him out
for conversation
or just some quiet
together
where deep unspoken yearnings
move before his eyes
and he
(who knows them all already)
sees
and prays for me
and pours new strength
into my inner being


pain
you were my friend
causing me to throw
caution to the wind
and live where it matters
with my Lifegiver
Lifemate
Lover
trusting him
the two of us at home

What is the difference between just living with someone and being “at home” with them?  It truly requires being “on the same page” with them, sharing purpose and mutual love.

This poem, an acknowledgement of essential transformation in my relationship with my Lord, was written about two decades ago, a time when my spiritual learning curve was taking off in unexpected ways. My homes on earth kept being left behind, exchanged for a moment, due to ministry with its time on mission and then time for rest and reporting to supporters in the U.S. I was learning how to feel “at home” in each temporary spot as well as in the place where we constantly returned, Ferkessédougou (Ferke). My parents were doing the same thing, leaving their home near us in Ferke and building their retirement “Chalet Shalom”  in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, blending their two cultures in a Third-Culture home with reminiscences of Africa and welcoming new blessings (see photo above).

What would it mean to feel always securely at home? I contemplated the truth in Scripture that Jesus wanted to be constantly living in me, not just as a person I knew was my God and Savior, but as a true resident. I began reading the best books I could find on spiritual formation, and was impacted by Christ’s desire to actually be at home in us, his people:

(Eph. 3:17  “And I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in your hearts as you trust

in him.”)

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. ¹⁰ If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. ¹¹ These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full. (Jn. 15:9 ESV)

The word “abide”, also often translated “remain,” has the sense of “residing” in a place, staying there. This is unsurpassed intimacy: Jesus living in you, you living in him. It is more than just shared space, it is complete openness to each other. Jesus, in us through his Spirit, is the teacher, you are the beloved follower/servant/friend being cared for and trained. He already knows everything about you; nothing can be hidden. Instead of that being scary, it is refuge. When you trip up, making a bad choice, you can come to him with regret and true repentance at any time, and he forgives. If you stubbornly refuse to admit that you have thrown dirt into your living space, he will wisely confront you with love until you let him sweep it away. He never makes bad choices or mistakes. You know that you can trust him completely, which brings you closer and closer to him, living with him in peace and love.

Welcome that loving attention! Keep every door open, do everything he tells you to do, accept his strong arms that give hugs and support! Joy that is never taken away from you will fill your inner person, your soul. This is not just “happiness,” dependent on circumstances. This is sustaining, unbreakable intimate connection to the God of love!