When My Heart Shrivels

When my heart shrivels 
thirsty for intimacy 
stretched by demands 
pressured and pummeled 

I come to you. 
Here in your Presence 
hope is re-seeded 
when I remember 

your love surrounds me
your power protects me
your tenderness holds me
your truth directs me.

And you are God:
the One who made me
the One who sent me
always with me.

Under pressure? Facing demands?  Feeling dry spiritually and emotionally, squeezed out?

There are days like that–we all face them sometime!

I admit there were moments when I was serving as a missionary that I felt like that. That is why I wrote the poem “When My heart Shrivels.” And there have been days like that here in the States, where “retirement” has become instead “retreading\:” getting back into being an exegete for Bible translation in Africa, but doing it with an online connection that may or may not work (very unstable on their end).

And then there are the days when the news squeezes the breath out of you: wars killing the innocent, rulers using their power to crush the hopes of the vulnerable, the rich skating through life with no concerns while the poor lose their access to healthcare.

Where is God in all this? The truth is, even when we cannot feel it, he is always with his dear ones. He is not a Father who is absent, always traveling and involved in business while his children struggle to grow up. He is not far away!

A conversation I had with a five-year-old the other day brought this reality to mind. She was staying overnight and had gotten up for breakfast. I was in the kitchen; she asked where my husband (a beloved “grandpa” to her) was. I said he had just finished his Bible study and prayer, and was upstairs getting dressed.

“So did he use his headphones?” she asked.

“You mean, to pray?” I answered. “No, he was just talking with God in his insides, in his heart and mind. God hears it all! In fact, he is always with us—he even knows how many hairs are in your head—he knows everything about us!”

“So no headphones?!” she exclaimed.

She knows that often people like to use headphones when communicating with a family member far away, using a computer. And “Grandpa” is often listening to things on his computer, wearing headphones. But this was a revelation to her: God is not just up in heaven, distant! He is beside you! He can hear your voice, even a silent prayer in your thoughts.

In fact the last words Jesus spoke to his disciples before ascending into heaven were these:

And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age. (Matt. 28:20 NIV)

Always! Until this world as we know it ends!

There are two psalms that speak vividly to this issue. They underline God’s presence in the midst of personal distress and loss of hope.

Asaph, in Psalm 73, is wrestling with the way everything seems to be going right for the wicked who are prosperous, proud, and “with arrogance threaten oppression” (v. 8). People admire them and support them, seeing all their success and wealth. Whereas Asaph admits that in spite of trying hard to “keep his heart pure” and his actions righteous (v. 14), he suffers every day.Then he confesses that ultimately God will hold those wicked bigwigs accountable (vv. 16-20), and wishes he had not slipped into such bitterness. He grabs onto what would give him comfort in the middle of this swamp of evil, speaking to his God:

²³ Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. ²⁴ You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. ²⁵ Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. ²⁶ My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. ²⁷ Those who are far from you will perish; you destroy all who are unfaithful to you. ²⁸ But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds. (Ps. 73:23-28 NIV)

In Hebrew culture, the “right hand” was symbolic of action, particularly good action. With God beside him every moment, directing his life, “forever” carries a sense of delight and promise for Asaph. It is by being near Yahweh, King of the Universe, that he finds shelter from the storm, a secure refuge.

The other psalmist who underlines this constant nearness of God is David. In Psalm 139 he starts out with a detailed account of the way Yahweh knows everything he does and every thought he has. If he gets up or goes to sleep, if he says anything or thinks anything, Yahweh knows all about it. He admits that this is beyond understanding. There is no place on earth where God is not there, no place where anyone could hide from him.  This is his “omnipresence.” Is that a scary thing? Yes, if you are among those disobeying him and wish he didn’t see you! But for those who know Yahweh personally, is it precious reassurance:

 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, ¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. ¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” ¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. ¹³ For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. ¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. ¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. ¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. ¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! ¹⁸ Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand– when I awake, I am still with you.  (Ps. 139:1 NIV)

Wow! David thinks back to the truth that the Creator put him together, formed his being, in his mom’s womb! He made him to be who he is. He knew him even then, and not only that, God knew what his life was going to be like—he prepared him for what was in the plan!

 This psalm became my go-to place for processing hard times and resting my anxious thoughts. Sure, I was often living far away from my usual supportive cohort and family, even an ocean+ away from them. But I was never away from my God. He is not limited by geography, phone connections, internet stability. He is actually right here, wherever I am—wherever you are! The fact that he knows everything about how I am made, right down to my physical body (formed by him in the womb) and my life cycle from start to finish, affirms the truth that he is the one in charge of everything about me and will take care of me. He stays right beside me, whether I’m asleep or running through a field in the night (afraid of snakes), whether I am at work trying to do my best or resting in my chair to enjoy the company of friends or read a book.

Evil is still active in our world, but in the end, he is the one who will take care of the wicked (vv. 19-22). He sees me, inside and out, and yes, he holds me accountable too! I’m so glad he is forgiving and the one who offers empowerment. He knows my heart intimately. And that is not scary, but deeply reassuring—when I am walking life with him. He will show me how to change course or behavior, and the will walk with me all the way through my life path to the end goal:

 ²³ Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. ²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. (Ps. 139:23-24 NIV) 

All of this is true for you if you are a daughter or son of this loving Father!

That is where there is peace in the midst of turmoil or bigger-than-me challenges. And what makes this yet more personally thrilling is that Jesus has made these promises even more astonishing. We will be digging into that!